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Sunday, 3 April 2016

Pain๐Ÿ’”

Assalamualaikum and morning peeps. How are you? Fine? Hope you guys are in the pink of health. Well right now Madam BI Ir tengah borak. Yeah last week before study week. Gosh, takut nak hadap exam ni but in the same time, Ir rasa happy sebab nak balik. Rasa sedih juga sebab nak tinggalkan kawan kawan. Selama sepuluh bulan ni, mereka semualah yang jadi second family dekat JTMC ni. Rasa sayang , marah , rindu , semuanya bergabung bila ingat balik those moments . Dengan classmate. Dengan roomate. Dengan prepmate. Those lecturer, those haters, and him.



Talking about him,
"Guys, Ir want to tell you a story."

Someone told me that he had fallin' love with someone else. Someone from civil engineering student. The moment bila Ir dengar apa yang kawan Ir tu cakap, sumpah bagai halilintar berdesub dalam hati. Bagai terkena heartshot. Luluh jantung punah harapan hancur berkecai. Nak menangis? Bukan selepas Ir dengar tu Ir menangis, time tu Ir masih lagi dapat kumpul kekuatan and dengar semua cerita about him. About dia tukar status insta and about he had fallin' in love. Ya-Allah, saat tu, hanya Allah saja yang tahu apa yang Ir rasa. Geram, marah, sedih, semua tu campur baur. All evening, Ir senyapkan diri and sibukan diri dengan baca those novel. Sampai maghrib, Ir solat lepas tu sambung buat perkara yang sama.

Hm.

Then sebabkan rasa sedih tu tiba tiba hadir, Ir post dekat Insta with that kind of caption. Haha. Sedih meh. But what to do? I cant change his heart. I dont have any powers. Then, Ir mandi semua and tahu tahu je dua dua dormate Ir dah turun. Just to say that Ir memang suka turun lambat. haha. Well then solat Isyak. I dont how can suddenly Ir rasa sayu sangat. Ir rasa sedih sangat. Sampai Ir tak sedar bila time baca doa tu, airmata ni jatuh tumpah. Bilik yang sunyi hanya dengar tangisan Ir. Memang saat tu Ir mengadu dekat Allah. Ir menangis dan menangis sampai satu tahap kawan bilik sebelah tu buka pintu sebab terkejut . Agaknya.

Once, I asked Allah in my du'ah;

"Am I selfish i asked him to be mine?"

"Am i selfish if i asked his heart to be mine?"

"Am I that selfish if I asked Allah to turn back his heart?"

"Am i wrong for fallin' too late?"

"Am i wrong if I like him for this whole semester 2?"

"Am I wrong if I'm afraid either to say hi or confess to him or walking behind him or staring him?"

"Am I wrong if I keep this feeling a bit longer before the last day that I plan to confess him?"

And I asked,

"Ya-Allah,  jika dia benar untuk aku. Dekatkanlah hatinya dengan hatiku. Jika dia bukan milik aku.  Damaikan hati aku dengan ketentuan Mu."

Unfortunately, I am too late dude!  Ir tak marah pun perempuan yang dia suka. Semua orang berhak rasa sayang. Semua orang berhak untuk disayangi. And of course dia berhak memilih anyone he feels that the girl is the one for him. But may I asked,

"Why not me?"

Hahahahahah, definitely lah sebab Ir ni seorang yang pengecut. I've got this whole semester to tell him but at the end, I stayed aside and watching him fallin' love with someone else.

"Baby, it's hurts."

Telling you that I am not that typical girl yang menangis dan suka menangis. Because Ir adalah seorang yang suka memendam dan berlagak kuat sampai satu tahap, sampai satu batas, Ir akan jatuh dan lemah. Akhirnya, menangis. Can you see how worst am I?

But then, this morning, when I woke up, I gain a new hope. A new strength. And I don't how to describe, but it is true. Tipulah kalau Ir tak berubah riak when people mention his name, but dalam hati ni, dah kurang sikit rasa sakit. Sakit semalam yang buat Ir jatuh tersungkur.

"To heal the broken heart is by fallin' love again."

Haha, yeah. That's right. Nasib Ir tak meroyan lagi. Maybe I can accept this. But can I asked;

"Dear ramu, can you just wait a bit longer,  for this 4 weeks without showing your happiness with your new love. Only this 4 weeks."



Sebab you can't expect me to be fine, and I don't expect him to care. Mungkin sebab kisah hitam dulu yang buat Ir malang dalam dunia cinta. That moment,and I still remember. And since that, I never manage to pertahankan someone I love.

"Hey Idzwan, kau sumpah aku ke? "๐Ÿ˜Œ

Okey, i want to be honest. Tell you a short story. Kerana silap langkah, Ir bertindak bodoh. I know that im the one who say goodbye and that the hardest thing to do. Since that , I never try to approach him. And even I know he got a new life, I'm still not approach him. Sebab pendirian Ir, jangan ganggu lagi hubungan orang yang dah bahagia where,  orang tu jugaklah adalah orang yang Ir sendiri dah hancurkan. So then, I deserve all this broken heart. I accept this.

"Idzwan, forgive me."

And now that's the end for this post. Ir nak buat kerja. Ir taknak lagi feeling feeling bagai. I've got less than two weeks before my final and I wanna focus. At least be a survivor. Dear silent readers, wish me good luck kay? ๐Ÿ˜˜

If anything you want to ask, you can ask me at;

Http://www.ask.fm/iraliahus.

Assalamualaikum and goodbye.๐Ÿ’ž

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