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Friday, 15 April 2016

StrongπŸ’ͺ

 Assalamualaikum and hey peeps. How yours day going on? I hope you are in the pink of health. Please do stay healthy, or otherwise no one will read this. Haha. Nah, just take care of yourself. You are grown up now. Don't tell me that you want to bother your parents about your health. Please never make them worry because it will make them fall sick. Hah, kan semua sakit dah susah. Dah lama gila kan tak menulis? Hmm, about two weeks? Nah, only one and half. But still, lama juga tak menulis. Seriously said, I miss to express my feelings to you. Hm, dalam masa lebih kurang dua minggu, there were a lots of thing yang datang membebankan kepala otak Ir ni. Sungguh, sangat sesak. Sangat penat. Sangat sakit. All of it mix up and you know what i felt for this time.

 Dear silent readers,
pernah rasa sampai satu tahap kau dah penat sangat, kau rasa nak give up. Kau rasa nak menyerah. Kau rasa dah malas nak ambil tahu semua perkara. Dan sekarang apa yang penting hanyalah perasaan kau yang terluka. Pernah tak? Itulah apa yang aku rasa dalam masa dua minggu aku berdiam. Aku rasa terseksa. Aku rasa sakit. Aku rasa sesak. Aku rasa serabut. Aku rasa rimas.
Telling you one thing, aku nak cerita tentang family kecil aku, means, my classmates. Ye, kawan kelas yang aku anggap sebagai keluarga kecil aku since first time I met them. Kadang Kadang, aku tertanya diri sendiri, boleh ke aku sekepala dengan dorang? Boleh ke aku cooperate dengan dorang? Boleh ke aku ikut flow dorang? Boleh ke aku sebulu dengan dorang? Telling you why Aku yang kena ikut situasi tu? Sebab sekarang ni aku dekat tempat orang. Dan aku tak boleh nak ikut kepala aku sendiri. Being myself and worst the situation like those time in Teknik Jasin. Ah, aku tak nak cerita tentang waktu pahit tu. Aku nak cerita tentang sekarang. Yang aku rasa manis. Yang aku rasa indah.

What I had learnt in Teknik Jasin. I practise it in here. In JTMC. Try to be friendly.πŸ™†πŸ» Try to say hi πŸ€—and start to talk.πŸ—£ Try to smile. 😁 Try every single thing that I never like to do so that I won't be hate. And what I got? Haha, πŸ˜‚ , penerimaan dan penolakan yang aku sendiri tak tahu nak cakap adil ke tak.πŸ€” Semester 1, serious talk adalah sem paling mencabar kesabaran dan keimanan aku. Bukan nak cakap apa, cuma aku ada kelebihan baca air muka seseorang. Aku boleh tebak apa yang dikatakan dalan hati dorang. I don't know how, but I can read it, I swear. Tapi I try to treat them nicely. Because I got whole 10months with them. Semua aktiviti aku akan pastikan takde satu moment pun yang terlepas dari lensa kamera. And I manage to get a frame , an album for each chapter, for each activities. Daripada aku tak suka beridir didepan lensa, akhirnya orang gelar diri aku ratu selfie . Haks, gila bukan aku?πŸ˜‚ Try all my heart to win over those heart who never like me since our first met. I know😌, I realise😌, but what to do?πŸ˜” Penat?πŸ™‚ Letih?πŸ™‚ Rasa nak give up and masuk balik form 6 ?πŸ™‚ Yes that what i felt.πŸ™ƒ To make a conclusion, they don't like me. They manage to make me felt give up over and over again. Who? My classmate. Never mind, I talk to my self,

"Chill suhaila. It just 5 months, kau tak boleh expect orang nak terima kau semudah tu."

And yea, aku simpan semua ketidak puasan hati aku. Aku simpan kemas kemas so that semua orang tak nampak yang aku terasa. Telling you what, aku ada classmate perempuan. Syahira dan nabila. Mereka sangat sangat baik dengan aku. Sangat ada waktu aku jatuh. Sangat ada waktu aku alone. All I have just them for me to keep strong. Pembelajaran? Nah, I had told you yang aku bukan lah among of those beast genius. Dalam banyak banyak orang yang pandai, kelompok yang genius genius ni, I'm only pandai. Haha , mungkin sebab aku malas so that's why aku not include in those kelompok beast of genius. πŸ’πŸ»But still I am really appreciate myself for stay strong and survive in this matriculation. πŸ’ͺ🏻

Bila keputusan sem 1 dah keluar, what can I said just, I can survive for one more time in the second sem. In Shaa Allah. I have Allah with me, so la tahzan. Talking about pandai, my classmate, majority semuanya beast of genius. Because of that, they got the respect. They got the honour. They got attention. And everything. Mention who? Junwei, Arashi, Syera, Anuar, Mike, Danne, Nabel. Gosh, semua tu beast of genius kot. Lagi lagi masuk ups 2. My, dua orang pemegang 4flat and most 3.5 above. Ya-ampunnnn, bila aku nak merasa jadi macam tu.😭

Mungkin sebab my situation are like this hell, so they lose their respect to me. And since that day by day,  dorang makin membuatkan aku hilang sabar.πŸ™ƒ Since awal semester 2 , telling you that, buat semua project tu macam dalam lautan api kau tau?πŸ™„  Doing some projects dengan orang yang tak suka kau?πŸ˜’ I rather do it by myself than being in group with them.😏 Perlu ke aku mention? Nah, not need. 😌 Start dengan project Mekanikal, that can be accepted. Sebab aku satu group dengan orang yang aku rasa aku boleh kerja sama walaupun kena paksa. I thought Danne was worst, but actually, he just fine. He just fine. I said it again, he just very very fine. Daripada sorang lagi. πŸ˜’ Yea, aku rasa dia okey segala okey but, what I've got just indah khabar dari rupa.

 Itu boleh lagi diterima. But during doing thesis, aku memang sememangnya dipinggirkan. Dipulaukan. Disisihkan. Diseperatekan and so on. Ya-Allah, betapa kecilnya hati aku time tu hanya Allah je yang tahu. Pernah, not once but many time, aku bangkang over and over again sebab tak nak satu group dengan dorang. Sumpah mati hidup semula pun aku taknak. Tapi bila fikirkan taknak benda ni sampai Madam Fauziah tahu, so then I keep again my feelings all mix I inside , deep in my heart. Setiap hari, setiap minggu semuanya pahit. Sangat sangat pahit. Sampai satu tahap aku menangis bila someone said I have never done my work. Ya-Allah. Luluh jantung, pecah hati semuanya bila dia cakap macam tu. Am I that worst in your eyes? Do you hate me most until you can said like that. Ye time tu aku marah sangat dengan mulut yang cakap macam tu. The moment bila Madam Fauziah komen itu and ini about our project , aku hanya memerhati. Yelah kan, aku kan tak buat kerja. Tell me what to do kalau berbincang pun tanpa aku. Kalau aku takde perasaan, dah lama aku hands off. After everything you had done, im still your group savour . Thanks to me sebab aku buat every single thing by myself sambil betulkan apa yang Madam komen about itu and ini. And tadaaa ~ During the second time madam buat pemerhatian, i got everything ready. Just fortunate . Or maybe lucky you can said. What ever la kan asalkan korang boleh shut your mouth up and thinks twice that aku adalah fungsi aku sendiri dalan group tu. Believes me, you can't do it without me. Walaupun apa aku buat tu korang hanya anggap pertolongan sebesar zarah. Kah, persetankan semua tu. You always denying everything goods about me. And everything going on with those activities, and so whatever sampai lah habis last kuliah. Aku masih boleh tersenyum tengok korang sent gambar without me😊 dekat group kelas. Well, thanks to Allah for giving this strength.

Now let's talk about this long study week. Syera yang the most baik lah kononnya nak buat open table and gather all the claasmates to clean up this mess by lecturing me. And tell me apa yang aku tak puas hati. Okey now I'm telling you,

"Aku tak puas hati dengan kau yang tak pernah nak faham perasaan orang."

"Aku tak puas hati dengan those guys yang obviously membezakan layanan antara aku dan both of you, Nabel and Syera."

"Aku tak puas hati kenapa dorang awkward dengan or in any word, langsung tak pernah anggap aku sebagai classmate dorang since first met. I swear it true."

"Aku tak puas hati dengan kau sebab pretend you care but you never care at least about what I feel at least. But you are actually know nothing about me. Damn it."

"I hate you for being in situation where no one boleh tunding jari kat kau and salahkan kau. Why? Sebab kau perfectionist. Because of that every single person tak pernah nampak salah kau."

"Aku marah sebab korang berdua rampas Junwei dari aku and changed his heart slowly."

"Aku marah sebab tengok Junwei lagi rapat dengan korang sedangkan Aku yang kutip dia during all his alone dan giving him a friendship."

"Aku marah sebab akhirnya pengaruh apa entah, Junwei left me and being with you. Everything is all about both of you. Everything is Nabel. Everything is Syera. EVERYTHING.  Mana nama aku dari mulut dia?  Orang yang kutip dia time dia sensorang dulu?  Fuck this thing up."

"Aku marah sebab korang abaikan aku walaupun in the fact kita memang jalan berempat. But Junwei totally changed. He never say hi to me. And he never felt wrong with that."

"Aku rasa marah kau semua nampak satu perangai aku yang satu tu yang kau semua rasa memalukan sampai since whole this 10months, kau takboleh terima aku dengan all those "try-to-win" your heart things i had done. Hanya disebabkan friendly aku ni memalukan kau semua depan member kau semua."

"Aku marah sebab korang tak boleh terima friendly aku and talk bad behind me sedangkan ada je students sini sama perangai dengan aku even worst but korang tak pernah cakap buruk. Sebab apa? Sebab those girls cantik. It just like an honour for you got hi from gorgeous girls."

"Aku marah dengan diri aku kenapa aku senang senang terima and semudah tu accept korang as my family dan dengan bangganye cerita kat family aku sendiri about those pretending kindness you guys had show me."

"Aku marah sebab korang tak pernah berterus terang whats matter with you guys for this 10 months sampai this final week baru kau nak bongkarkan. Kau fikir aku boleh accept ke alasan bodoh kau tu."

"Aku rasa marah sangat kenapa students kelas lain yang jadi kawan aku boleh terima aku sedangkan korang, dude you are my classmates. Why it so hard for you accept my flaw? Just shut this motherfucker."

"Aku marah sangat sebab aku abaikan pujukan zu untuk aku stay form 6 and never gone to JTMC. So that i will never know about this collage existance. About you guys and about this fake friendship."

"Aku bencikan diri aku sebab mudah maafkan korang walaupun tanpa sedar korang banyak buat aku menangis for this 10months."

Kalau boleh, aku nak simpan sikit rasa sakit. Like what Madam Fira felts about her past student. Biar time exam nanti korang blank. Korang tak dapat jawab. Biar padan muka korang. Biar puas hati aku. Because I'm half blood of devil, remember 😏 But my parents never taught me like that. My dad always said,

"Biar orang buat kita, biar orang tak suka kita. Kehidupan ini bagai roda. One day, kifarah will fall into them. And they will realised what they had done to you. Stay strong kakak. I know you are stronger than this."

Yes I am. Sebab dekat Sharodz dulu worst than this. Being in this situation in JTMC just like the situation you gave me a chocolate bar to be eaten. Just a piece of cake.😏 Kalau kau nak pyscho aku guna that techniques, please la at least upgrade . I'm nothing with that, telling you it hurts me everytime and I felt the pain. Dude it is because for sure la aku seorang human being yang punya perasaan. Man, im not a robot. But , unfortunately, it's just nothing. Aku kalis dengan semua tu. Aku kebal dengan semua. Ye aku menangis, but after that, I got stronger and stronger.😌 Thats why after that open table , I felt nothing. Korang je yang sibuk hantar mesej panjang panjang like I'm a fool to received the same advices.

Yo beasties, nak tengok tak apa dorang hantar?😏 Hey, tak payah la~

 Well lastly, aku tak expect pun korang terima aku. But aku tak sangka sebegini penerimaan korang. Belum lagi ucapan lisan dari anuar , Mike , Danne. πŸ€” I bet mesti buruk buruk. After this open table, you guys had just showed up your truth colours, thanks Allah for showing these. Now I don't have to care about you at all because you never care about me. NEVER. πŸ˜‰ Well kalau aku pertahankan diri aku pun, korang still takleh nak accept. Whatever, cuma boleh tak aku minta dekat Allah, just once

"Oh Allah, just put them in my shoes one day so that they can feel what I felt now."

Nah, aku tak sanggup. Sebab rasa dia sakit. Aku dah rasa and seriously sakit. Aku taknak korang rasa sakit tu. 😌 Thanks to Nabel sebab tak terus besarkan hal ni koninnya nak settle but it just become worst. So no need. Thanks for being loyal. thanks for accept me. Thanks for this real friendship.

For arashi, thanks for really being concern. You just nice. 😁

For those guys, thanks for being honest. That all i just want to hear. Just shut this fucking mess up. No need to see me, to try to contact me. Just no need. I don't need all that because I can control myself better. Mind your own business. Pretend that we never met. Pretend that I am never being your classmate. Delete me well in your memories. You don't need that. I promise I will be just myself. Not need to try hard to win your heart all out. Just being me. The old me. The snobbish me. The arrogant me. The never smile face me. The never talk me.😘 so tak payah risau nak malu bagai dengan member korang yang perangai baik yampunnn tu 😊

                               

Okay. Bye. πŸ‘‹

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